Thoughts

Deep breath…

Wait take another one…

This is what I have to do often. Pause. Deep breath. Take another step. Face each moment trying to do best.

Be present. Focus.

As I breath. As I take a step… I think.

“You’re behind.”

“Does my husband know I love him?”

“You have nothing to share that matters so just be silent”

“Do they really want to know why I design this room?”

“Did I spend enough time with my kids today?”

“Do people want to really see what I wear?”

“Who am I to open a shop?”

“Do people really want to hear what I have to say?”

“Do my images even look good?”

“Why am I doing anything I do?”

Another pause. Breath deep… anxiety builds. All I want to do it shut down. All my thoughts weigh me down.

This is what really happens. I see all that I want to do, say and share yet all the negativity enters. All the lies swallow me up. I feel paralyzed.

What do I do with this you ask? Too often I give in and then shut down and accomplish nothing I had hoped. But more and more I am trying to just push through and follow thru with what I really want to do, say and share! I am trying to learn to just DO ME. BE ME. People will love what I have to do, say and share and others won’t but whatever the response there is freedom in doing and being me and that is way more impactful in the best ways.

As I get older and maybe even wiser I am realizing how much the way I was raised has impacted me in the way I communicate. I am sure this is true for all. I was raised in a divorced home and it seemed like either I just kept silent because it seemed there was no space for me to be vulnerable or the other choice was to yell and be on the defense. This was very unhealthy. I know my parents loved me but for whatever reason the reality of having a healthy calm conversation was rare. Though I have been on my own since 17f and though I have grown is huge ways, I am realizing that I battle being silent along with being really intense in the way I communicate. When I try to be vulnerable I completely panic after I share or my panic gets to me before I share and then I can’t seem to talk. I am on the defense often still and all of this can cause major conflict with those who love me most.

So as I am finding myself in positions to talk, to be vulnerable, I am having to push through closing myself off and choosing to be open. I am having to realize that I don’t need to defend myself.

I am learning to accept the love that people give me. I tend to sit in the seat that I am underserving of love. I am learning to love better.

So I breath again and remember I am loved. I am accepted. People want to hear me. People enjoy my voice and my vision.

I am also learning that it’s okay to fail. I tend to fill up with anxiety when I fail and assume people think the worst of me and somehow my failing defines me and erasing everything that is still good in the moment. People ask if I ever think of people in the way I think people think of me and my answer is always NO WAY. It is crazy how much harder we can be on ourselves. I am learning that my failure doesn’t erase but it helps me grow. It makes me stronger. It enables me to do even better by God’s grace. Failing does not define me nor does it define anyone. We are imperfect people trying to do our best!

So friends my plan is to be consistent here. I hope what I share inspires and encourages you!