The last two weeks have been difficult. My anxiety had swallowed me up. Joy and peace seem to be so far from reachable some days I didn’t know how to even take a step forward. Everything seemed to be caving in and I was having a hard time seeing the good that was in front of me. Depression stole my hope some days. All I could think of was the worst things. All I could foresee was the worst outcomes. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was failure. Dramatic you say.. maybe but it was really really real to me. These days aren’t enjoyable or even wanted, but it’s like I can’t stop the feeling and thoughts. Tears stroll down my face. It’s like I can watch myself walking around sad, disconnected from what is truth, what is good, and I can see myself disconnected with the people who care for me most. It’s such a strange thing. Depression and anxiety suck the life out of me.
As I walk through these days, all I wish for is to have a heart of gratefulness, contentment and hope. I wish I could be that person who hopes the best in all things. I wish I could be that person that can laugh in the midst of struggle. I am learning. I am slowly, very slowly learning how to take my thoughts captive and force myself to think about what is good, what is true, what is lovely and I am learning that as I choose to think about such things, my mood changes. I feel sometimes my whole day becomes good and sometimes I am having to choose hour by hour how I am acting, responding, and it’s a real battle. Trials grow us. Hard conversations teach us new things about ourselves and the other person. Trials and hard conversations make us stronger. They show me how much more capable I am to become a better friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister, business owner and even acquaintance.
I tend to look at everything through a lens of negativity and that is so draining. It robs not just me of good things in this life but also affects the people around me. I bog people down and I miss out on so much. I haven’t really struggled like I am in a while, but I am fighting more then ever not to allow this to consume me like I have in the past. Talking about this helps. I have been reading a little book called “Jesus Calling” and it has really challenged me to view trials and hard conversations differently. I have also been choosing to stay active and not just lay around consumed by my own thoughts… this life isn’t about ME ME ME. It is about fighting this fight well. It is about loving others more then myself. It is about finding all the good in the midst of the unknown. It is about being okay in my weakness. It is about believing that what is meant to be will be. In this round of anxiety and depression there has been so many things said, done, sang, read and heard that have impacted me to face these days well. When we seek beauty in the midst of struggle we are blessed in unexpected ways by unexpected people. I am grabbing hold of those moments and I am seeing good as I battle.
This season has been long, challenging and it got a little harder lately. The last two weeks it was like everything hit hard. The season weighs heavy on me but I am learning so much.
I have learned in order to keep my mind in healthy place I must think upon things I am thankful for. Things that are lovely, true, right and good.
I am thankful that Jesus chose me to love. I am thankful He is patient with me and I am thankful for His mercy on my life.
I am thankful for my husband. He chooses me everyday. He is kind, patient, and extends grace daily. He lifts me up. He makes me smile. He makes me feel beautiful. Laughter is continuous.
My kids. Those three are gems. I am learning constantly from them. They keep young. They keep me grounded. They forgive. They love deeply. They make me a better human.
My friends. I am surrounded by people who challenge me to be better. The laughter is good for my soul. They have hard conversations and still remain close.
My family. Parents who want nothing but the best for me. They want to see me succeed. They want to see me happy. They want me to live this life better then they did.
My home. My job. Music. Desert living. Coffee. Clothes. A bed. Art. Photography. Design. Plants. The list continues…
What are you thankful for?