Pain and sickness makes us take a day at a time
Months have past since my last update about my husbands health.
Somewhere along the way we seemed to be taking month by month, then it turned into week by week and now its day by day. Somedays it seems like moment by moment even. Sickness and pain has caused us to take a day at a time and to realize that life can change quickly.
As his wife, my heart hurts. I don't really have time to sit in my own thoughts about everything that has happened. I don't have time to focus on me because I have the people I love most that need me to keep going.
I wake up in the morning, start my coffee, wake my littles up and I don't know if Matt will join our morning routine or if he will sleep right through. Either way, I just want best for him. Watching him wake these days is hard. His face is pale and he has black rings around his eyes. I tell him "today you have sick eyes" and I am realizing I say that more often then a month ago.
Cup of coffee in hand, telling the kids to get dressed for the 4th time, breakfast started, lunches are being made... okay second cup for me. I chime in "hurry its 8:00 and it's almost time to go. Shoes are being put on, followed up with hugs and kisses. Matt usually gets out of bed to take them. He likes to help even if he only can handle small things. "I yell, have a good day, make good choices, Jesus loves you..."
It takes a lot of energy to get out of bed these days. He didn't used to feel the pain when laying down but now he wakes up and he can feel how bad it is. He has to wear a sleep apnea machine now too. (We don't want him to die in his sleep). He roles out slowly, standing is almost unbearable and sometimes he uses the hallway wall to help him get to the kitchen.
I watch. Every morning I watch. I used to say something but that doesn't help. So now I just give him a small smile... a smile that tells him "I'm so sorry your hurting and I love you". He sends one back my way. I make him coffee, he sits and I can tell by his breathing how much pain he is in. Color begins to come back to his cheeks and the black rings around his eyes are less but still there.
Off he goes.. he takes the kids to school and then comes home. Back in bed usually. I go lay with him. I just lay there quietly hoping he knows that I love him no matter what our season is together. I give him lots of gentle kisses, he loves that. Some days I lay there a while and other days my list of "to do's" awaits me. I was talking to my best friend about needing to be by my husbands side but also needing to keep up with my list. She told me "Tish, you're doing amazing. You are always serving Matt and if you were by his side all day, he would hate that. He wants you to work hard, do the things you love and he knows that you are there for him. You take time to be with him throughout every day and so keep doing what you are doing well. Keep checking in to see what Matt needs and he will tell you when he needs you to be close or when he is okay." That was freeing to hear. I love my husband and I want nothing but to see him better but I also know he wouldn't want me sitting by his side all day, that just isn't who he is. He knows I love him and am willing to be by his side or work hard to keep our life going as he has to rest all day. He tells me often these days that he is thankful I am his wife.
So he helps when he can and I am learning to let him for his emotional and mental health. The pain can feel unbearable but he chooses to push through the pain to help in any way he can and that helps keep his emotions and mental state sane. Somedays I want to make him lay down so he feels less pain but that isn't always best. So together we get through the day. Sometimes I have to choose to watch him do things in pain and say nothing and other times I beg him to stop because I know three hours later he will regret pushing so hard. (Pushing too hard throws him into pain that brings him to tears).
The struggle is real. The pain is real. Watching all of this is real and it's real hard.
As of today, we are in it. We are in it together. We continue to work as a team even if that means right now I take on more then I ever have in order to see my husband rest, our dreams come true and our normal everyday life happen. I am okay with my role right now. I am okay with "making it happen". I am okay with carrying a big load because I know that Jesus gives me what I need to keep going. My mental and emotional state are held by His GRACE. I continue to cast my cares upon Him and He is faithful to take care of my family and I. I also have practical ways I keep going as well.
I have found eating healthy keeps me from getting tired.
I usually hit a low in my energy in the afternoon, so I take a break and get to the gym daily. This time keeps me healthy, strong and and emotionally sane. It's a time for me to regroup to finish out the day well.
I also just sit with my kids and soak them in. This fills my mamas heart. They bring me joy and remind me to keep going. I want them to learn to do life well no matter the season. Giving up isn't an option in my book. (Thanks mom and dad for teaching me that truth)
And I still invite people over for dinner each week. My family loves people and we love to host, so we continue because it allows us to just let loose for a little bit with people who we love.
Our days are just different in this season and we are choosing to do it well even if its hard. Harder then ever really. But we choose each other and choose to wake up each day striving to do this life well with the hope that this season shall pass.